420, Earthday

Yesterday I celebrated 4/20 and EarthDay by:
-taking my very first dance class! so fun!
-riding my bike for 14 miles
-going to a farewell-brunch for an inspiring runner-coach-friend as he moves back to MN
-eating a 420 cookie
-dancing at the Verdi Club for hours with other parent-friends

Running...back at it

It's more like walking, with a bit of running thrown in. I'm on a walk-run program my orthopedist prescribed me. I gotta say, when 90% of it is walking, the 10% feels pretty easy. I started last week, and I'm almost up to a 50-50 run/walk split for 20 minutes, which makes me happy. I hope my knees don't die again so I try to be mindful of my form when I run and listen to my body when it's telling me to take it easy.

I stopped running completely about a year and a half ago due to knee problems. I don't think I'll ever have strong enough knees to run great distances, but I hope to do a 10K in the future.

My brother just ran the Coaster Run, which offers a 10k and a 5k, at Knott's Berry Farm. You run through Camp Snoopy. You get a Snoopy tee. And a Snoopy medal. And boysenberry pie at the finish line! That's the perfect race for me. Snoopy and pie. I'm so doing that next year. That's my goal.

I'll try not to compare my running self now to perhaps my strongest race in the past, the DSE Runners Windmill 10k, where I had a phenomenal-for-me time of 47:13 (averaging 7:35/mile) and placed 9th among the women (it was a small race, but I'll take anything I can get!). For now, I'm happy to run 3 blocks in a row without getting winded.

I have to remind myself not to overdo it. And at the same time I have to push myself enough to at least make an effort. I can be quite lazy.

Film, gah!

You would think I would know how to load film into a camera by now. Nope.

Candied Citrus Peel

I posted my adventures in candying citrus peels on my photo blog. Check it out!

Anthro-inspired Cluny Necklace

I was inspired by the Anthropologie Cluny Necklace to make my own version because I'm masochistic DIY like that. I pretty much made it all up as I went along. I had to start the crochet over many times, rip back over and over until I came up with something I was happy with. I went to a local bead store and bought a delicate 14” length of sterling silver chain instead of Anthro’s bronze necklace. The shiny silver gives it a more modern look, rather than the vintage-y look of the Anthro one. I cut the chain in half, added jump rings to each end (4 total), a tiny silver lobster clasp, et voila.

And I like the pop of color the red gives. I'm thrilled how well it came out!

Peppermint Patties

I had a couple friends over last week so they could learn how to knit. I took that as an opportunity to try my hand at making peppermint patties. See, my killer neighborhood grocery store, BiRite, sells these amazing peppermint patties. They are so delicious and instantly addicting, and at $2 a pop, it adds up fast! If you know me, you know I like to make things that people usually don't think to make (e.g., marshmallows, crackers). So I wondered, "How does one go about making peppermint patties? What in the world is that filling made of?"

My google-fu brought me to the Joy of Baking recipe. I substituted peppermint extract because I couldn't find the oil (after hitting three stores). The ratio is 4:1 extract to oil, so I used 1 tsp, which turned out right. I also subbed vanilla paste in lieu of the extract because that's what I had on hand, but it's a straight 1:1 sub.

I also learned the hard way why water should never touch melting chocolate. I accidentally got a few drops of water into my bowl of my double boiler with my bittersweet chocolate chips, right at the beginning, and thus ruined the entire batch of chocolate. It was impossible to completely melt and instead turned into a gloppy, grainy mess. I tried adding some canola oil in attempts to reverse the seized chocolate, but to no avail. I cut my losses and spread it out onto wax paper and made a huge chocolate bar for later (which is now in my fridge when I get the munchies). Luckily there is a good supply of chocolate chips at my house, but I had to settle for semi-sweet instead of bittersweet.

All in all, it was pretty fun, slightly messy, with incredible yummy results. I shared them with my favorite parents during morning drop-off at Yoshi's school, and with my "pod-mates" at my new job. And I ate more than I should have. Next time, no water in the chocolate! Can't wait to make these again.

Thoughts

Lately I've been either lost in thought or trying to escape them. I waver between the two.

In my retreat, I've turned to watching a slew of movies (online, 'cause I'm hibernating). And of course it's watching those movies where my thoughts are triggered. I'm thick in my Johnny Depp phase, and I love it. A couple days ago I watched the post-modern western film Dead Man, which is a strange, funny, surreal, violent, dark, and beautiful movie. (Neil Young's imposing improv guitar score could have been slightly toned down though.) The ending scene completely slayed me, I was in tears. (SPOILER: floating out along open waters in a canoe, swaddled in furs, under the cloud-spotted sky, seems like a perfect way to die.)

I cried because I was in an already fragile state. Recently, my dad had another stroke. His first one was six and a half years ago, and he never fully recovered from it, his mobility was permanently compromised leaving the left side of his body with feeling of numbness, which, over the years, seemed to get more severe.

And so last Thursday my mom calls and tells me, in her typical nonchalant manner, that Dad had another stroke. She told me not to worry nor come down to the hospital, but of course I did worry and I did go down.

I brought Yoshi because she was still on winter break, and thought that she might help cheer everyone up by her mere presence. Of course, I selfishly didn't think about her feelings of seeing her Ji-chan in a hospital. Hospitals are creepy for her and she immediately looked uncomfortable and froze in the doorway and I had to pry her inside. Good job, me.

I bribed her with an It's-It ice cream sandwich from the cafeteria, which helped.

I'm not impressed with the hospital he stayed at. The staff didn't know what they were doing, the doctors seemed incompetent (they actually misdiagnosed his stroke at first). I couldn't wait for the staff to clean up his urinary incontinence accident during his dinner so I diligently mopped up his pee, such a good daughter.

And at that moment I felt awful and guilty and selfish for having my own child. I don't want Yoshi to be in my shoes, to see her mom get old, get sick, and feel obligated by love to take care of me. I cried at the possibility that in 40 years I will be in my dad's position and Yoshi will be in my current one. Ah, the cycle of life and death. It's quite a ride, isn't it.

And as I wondered back in 2008 at the amazement of my dad still alive and kicking, 4 years later I still wonder the same thing. I wonder how much longer this can go on for, watching the body get worse and worse, and now the mind. I wonder how it must feel for him. What is it like to see your body deteriorating, compromising your quality of life? I mean, I have bad knees from running, I wake up with a sore back often, and I definitely don't feel like a spring chick, but that doesn't seem like the same thing. Over this past year or two, any friend or family member who asks him how he's doing, he answers quite honestly, and sadly, "Not so well."

My dad is diabetic, partially deaf, now suffered a couple strokes, has COPD or some kind of chronic lung condition, bad sinuses, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and a build-up of potassium in his kidneys. He was recently diagnosed with MRSA, some kind of staph infection in his nose, which they found out a couple days ago at the rehab center. He is currently undergoing intense rehabilitation to learn how to walk again, how to improve his speech, and hopefully improve his memory. To be honest though, I am not optimistic he will bounce back well.

This reminds me of when my grandmother was dying, when I would go down and see her, watch my dad as he helped his mom as best he could, and then drive back up to the city and cry. Repeat, repeat, until finally she passed away and I felt immense relief.

I have the terrible thought that I hope he doesn't suffer long, the morbid wish that he might die soon so he wouldn't have to struggle as he does. And the selfishness that I can't bear to watch him go through it, so I don't want to prolong it. Just rip it off quick like a bandaid.

But I have a feeling this may go on for years.

It's a good thing there are many more movies for me to watch.