Overwhelmed.

This past month or so I've been feeling like... I dunno... like I'm slowly sinking. Overwhelmed. Too much on my plate. I can't parse the emotions; they all run together and it feels chaotic.

Oh sure, maybe on the outside I look like I know what I'm doing. It might be all an act.

So maybe if I blog about the stressers, get it all out (or even a little bit out), I'll feel better. I know I won't feel worse.

1. Ex-FriendBoy. Still a little sad/mad/hurt by yet another relationship that had to end.
2. Frustrated with the "Just go out and date more! You haven't been doing it right" responses.
3. Applied to a job, but still haven't heard back. It's been about a month. I think after this week I have to let that hope go.
4. I'm way behind on baby shower gifts.
5. Baby showers are kinda weird. Why does a baby need so much stuff?! Diaper-specific trash cans? And why play those stupid games? Weird.
6. Going to Portland with Yoshi, but not even sure what to do there. I'm not terribly excited about it. It's causing me stress. Maybe because Ex-FriendBoy was supposed to go and now he's not, and it's yet another reminder about how "my baggage" is something no one wants to carry.
7. Somewhat related, but feeling out of sorts about the optimism of my dating life. While I feel perfectly content with the idea of never marrying again, there is a part of me that wants to find that someone with whom I can connect, and have it "work out." Whatever that means.
8. Tired of Ikea.
9. I have 6-8 bags of stuff to donate to the thrift store. I'm lazy.

10. And this is the most stressful...
I visited my parents this weekend. And as you know, my dad isn't the healthiest of people. He has dementia. His memory is failing. This was the first time that he completely forgot who I am. For the entire weekend he didn't know me, couldn't conjure up my name. He asked if I was Yoshi. At least he remembers her, vaguely, although I'm not sure if he knows they are related. It's devastating. I don't know how to deal with this. I want him to die and I feel shitty for saying that but it's true. I wouldn't perform CPR on him if he went into cardiac arrest.

My dad told me to visit more often, but I really hate visiting. I hate the dynamic of my parents. I feel uncomfortable. And I'm a selfish brat, but I don't want to see any of that but I feel obligated to push my feeling aside and suck it up and when I tell my mom I'm bothered by her weird avoidance of the gravity of the situation when she laughs at my dad's lack of memory of his own daughter. I know she's stressed. But she's not asking for help and she's not open to it either.

I'm angry that they aren't being more responsible about the situation. I feel guilty for not doing more. But it really hurts.

I almost had a breakdown in Ikea on Sunday. I had an actual breakdown in front of Gigi later that evening. I can't hold myself together very well.

My brother was supposed to have an advanced care talk with my mom, but he didn't. He's not even up here. I wish he would do more. Now I have to talk with her about it.

And, I realize this is on me, that I should speak up for my needs, but sometimes I just want an "I'm sorry you're going through this" consolation, not a "You should do this" demand. I didn't ask for your advice to solve it. Remember friends: I'M A VALIDATION WHORE. Tell me it's okay to feel shitty! That's all I need – a hug before I get shoved back into the boxing ring.

I know that we often give unsolicited advice when we see our friends and family suffer, because we want to take that pain away. We don't like seeing people suffer. But sometimes you have to let it take hold for a while let it eventually pass through. An "I'm sorry" and a hug goes a long way.

Okay, enough ranting for tonight. I'm done.