This may be my one post for the year, so here's a general update about what's going on.
Work!
This past year (or longer), work had me feeling drained, ineffective, frustrated. It culminated a few months back when I was in a small meeting. I said something somewhat sarcastically, but very honest, about a certain business initiative. Basically, I called them out on not being able to deliver what we promised. My team was doing their part of the deal, but not the others. And then they called me out.
Director 1: Denise, that's not a good attitude to have.
Director 2: Yeah, honestly that's not helping.
A team lead: Let's be more positive.
Me: You know what? I'm being honest. This is like an abusive relationship where you say things are going to get better again and again. BUT THEY NEVER DO. We made this decision three months ago to have this problem fixed and we're no where closer than when this company started. So until things actually change, I'M NOT GOING TO BELIEVE ANY OF THIS WILL HAPPEN.
Team lead: Is that how you really feel?
Me: Yes.
I'm known at work for my positive attitude (among most of my coworkers, the ones who know me truly know my real attitude), and I could no longer hide my negativity. And the inertia was too heavy to get the rest of the company to figure out their shit to help my team. The next morning, as I was making my semi-lengthy ritual of steel cut oats in the office kitchen, I thought to myself: This is my favorite part of my work day. And then I thought, I could make oatmeal anywhere. Why here?
A week later, the day after my official 6-year work anniversary, I gave my final notice of five weeks (so they would have time to create a backfill) and a highly detailed transition plan. Two of my teammates (men!) cried when I broke the news to them. The president also got misty-eyed on my last day as he showered me with sincere praise for all the good work I've done, and we both had a good little cry. And in the off chance that I do not find better/new work, they left the door open for me to come back in whatever capacity I'd like.
I will say, as a disclaimer, that the company itself is doing well. It's profitable, it's hitting all its outward financial goals promised to the board. But the ambitiously aggressive internal goals have been somewhat of a morale-buster.
Funemployment!
I left in July, and bought a series of last-minute, one-way tickets (plane and train), never knowing how long I would stay in any place. Orange County > Los Angeles > Portland > Vancouver > Jasper > Banff > Calgary > back to Banff > back to Jasper > Saskatoon > Winnipeg > Minneapolis (okay, just a layover, but saw Snoopy at the airport!) > SF.
Prior to this, I think the longest vacation in my life was 10 consecutive days, so being gone for over a month was incredibly indulgent. Indulgent in the time that is, not always location. I slept in my rental car for a couple days, not having anywhere else really to stay, 'cause hey, last minute! It wasn't anywhere exotic (unless you call the prairie lands of Canada exotic), but it was exactly what I needed. And incredibly rejuvenating. And I've fallen hard in love with Canada and train travel. Bonus: VIA Rail staff speak in both English and French, so it was fun to be reminded how shitty my French is but try anyway. (It's better than my 20 words of Japanese I know.)
I'm milking this time off for as long as I can, which sadly will be ending much sooner than I'd like.
Music!
A bonus from hitting my 6-year work anniversary was a monetary gift to be spent on whatever I'd like (within reason, probably eschew drugs or kidneys), so Yoshi gave me the great idea to buy a digital piano with the funds. Now, please note that I actually own a real piano. But it's not at my apartment. And I have no place for it. And I'm not very good at it and my neighbors would not appreciate loud, terrible noise.
And so I got a digital piano that's audaciously white and gold so it looks like it belongs in my apartment even though whatever sounds come out of it by me may prove otherwise.
I'd been wanting this specific piano arrangement of Radiohead songs for about a decade now. And a few days ago I come to find out the book is now out of print and used copies go for $500 on amazon and eBay. Dude, that's ridiculous. So I emailed the composer directly and asked if he could help me out with the sheet music, and he sold me the complete set on PDF, plus a couple extra songs. Super stoked! I sent it over to get it printed out at FedEx and now have just shy of 200 pages of amazing and challenging sheet music to delve into. I might need to take lessons again. Check back in 7 years and maybe I'll have one song mastered by then if we're lucky. :)
Knitting!
I didn't bring any knitting with me on my month-long trip, which just sounds crazy because there was so much downtime, including ~60 hours of train travel. And honestly, I was totally fine. I had my kindle and plenty of reading material. And I took a bunch of iphone photos and spent time editing them. And I had company.
Fast forward to now. One of my good friends gave birth to her third child a couple months back, and that was good motivation to pick up the needles again and make a baby blanket. I made her other two kiddos blankies when they were born, so I'd feel bad if this little one didn't get one. Since I'm not working, I've got plenty of time to work on this, so it's going by very fast. This should be done today, making this a one-week project.
And then what? I need knitting ideas.
Yoshi!
The girl is having issues. She just started junior year, and is deep in the throes of teenage angst. She wants to drop out of school and life in general. She sometimes has debilitating anxiety where she gets sick and throws up, cries, lashes out, and then crawls into herself. We're working on this. Books, counseling, getting help from school staff, her pediatrician, you name it. We're all on board for Team Yoshi, but she needs to commit to the change or else it's all for naught.
The formal reason I gave my superiors for leaving work was so that I could have the energy to devote to the kid. Anyone else can manage the creative production team, but no one else can be Yoshi's mom. She is my priority. And I have already noticed my patience is much better. I can react in a more calm manner, I am not as agitated, and feel more positive about being able to help her. She called yesterday in a freak out at school, which in the past would end with an abrupt hang-up by her, but this time she was calmer and she felt better after ten minutes. I talked her off the ledge, so to speak. Of course, the goal is to have her figure all this out on her own, but baby steps.
Sewing!
I don't think I'll ever love sewing as much as knitting, but I can create things that just aren't possible with knitting. And the process is a good challenge, albeit my apartment always looks like a tornado went through it with fabric and thread and pattern pieces everywhere. Ironing board, sewing machine, three types of scissors. It's quite the mess. Lack of hard cutting surface makes it a little more difficult.
I've made a few things this year, including a couple skirts and a dress to a wedding in Joshua Tree. I bought a jumpsuit pattern a while back. Maybe I'll do that next? So many fabric choices. What season do I want it for?
Dating!
Uh, yeah. Let's skip this one, shall we?
Actually, I guess it's fine??? As in, I'm not dating anyone. Dated a Scottish dude for a while, but ended things last month while on my monthlong bender. Wasn't the ideal way to break things off – over the phone rather than in person – but he forced my hand while away and so there wasn't much I could do. Now he's being kind of scary angry which was freaking me out, but I reached out to his good friend and he reassured me the guy is all talk and shouldn't worry about him taking action. I 90% believe him. Bleh. I told Scottish dude that I refuse to engage in such immature, frightening, bullying behavior and he needs to stop if he ever wants me to talk to him again, and then I blocked him on my phone. Unfortunately, he lives a 3-minute walk away so I'm bound to run into him at some point. Jesus my marriage ended better than this breakup.
So now I'm not dating anyone regularly, nor do I want to after that last fiasco. I'm fine keeping everything casual and not seeking anything out at the moment (ever?). I've got other things I need to focus on.
So what's next?
Wellers, I'll have to get a job because the money won't last forever. Maybe by the end of next month I'll have something lined up. But what that is, I have no idea. I need to figure that out. I do know it would be great to do something meaningful, with a company I believe in, and of course a solid paycheck would be greatly appreciated.
I need to nail down a therapist for Yoshi. She didn't want to continue with her former counselor, and ideally it would be great to find one that is covered by insurance, so the search continues. Yoshi has agreed to participate in the practices and exercises in one of the anxiety books I'm reading, along with starting up with meditation. I think both of these things will help me too.
I'm itching to clean up my apartment. More decluttering and such. I'm having a hard time making everything fit, which is a sign I have to much stuff. The lifelong, first-world-problem battle.
My birthday is next month. I want to plan something while I still have the time off. Maybe a quick and cheap trip somewhere? I'm open to suggestions.
That pretty much sums up my 2019.
Knitting!
I didn't bring any knitting with me on my month-long trip, which just sounds crazy because there was so much downtime, including ~60 hours of train travel. And honestly, I was totally fine. I had my kindle and plenty of reading material. And I took a bunch of iphone photos and spent time editing them. And I had company.
Fast forward to now. One of my good friends gave birth to her third child a couple months back, and that was good motivation to pick up the needles again and make a baby blanket. I made her other two kiddos blankies when they were born, so I'd feel bad if this little one didn't get one. Since I'm not working, I've got plenty of time to work on this, so it's going by very fast. This should be done today, making this a one-week project.
And then what? I need knitting ideas.
Yoshi!
The girl is having issues. She just started junior year, and is deep in the throes of teenage angst. She wants to drop out of school and life in general. She sometimes has debilitating anxiety where she gets sick and throws up, cries, lashes out, and then crawls into herself. We're working on this. Books, counseling, getting help from school staff, her pediatrician, you name it. We're all on board for Team Yoshi, but she needs to commit to the change or else it's all for naught.
The formal reason I gave my superiors for leaving work was so that I could have the energy to devote to the kid. Anyone else can manage the creative production team, but no one else can be Yoshi's mom. She is my priority. And I have already noticed my patience is much better. I can react in a more calm manner, I am not as agitated, and feel more positive about being able to help her. She called yesterday in a freak out at school, which in the past would end with an abrupt hang-up by her, but this time she was calmer and she felt better after ten minutes. I talked her off the ledge, so to speak. Of course, the goal is to have her figure all this out on her own, but baby steps.
Sewing!
I don't think I'll ever love sewing as much as knitting, but I can create things that just aren't possible with knitting. And the process is a good challenge, albeit my apartment always looks like a tornado went through it with fabric and thread and pattern pieces everywhere. Ironing board, sewing machine, three types of scissors. It's quite the mess. Lack of hard cutting surface makes it a little more difficult.
I've made a few things this year, including a couple skirts and a dress to a wedding in Joshua Tree. I bought a jumpsuit pattern a while back. Maybe I'll do that next? So many fabric choices. What season do I want it for?
Dating!
Uh, yeah. Let's skip this one, shall we?
Actually, I guess it's fine??? As in, I'm not dating anyone. Dated a Scottish dude for a while, but ended things last month while on my monthlong bender. Wasn't the ideal way to break things off – over the phone rather than in person – but he forced my hand while away and so there wasn't much I could do. Now he's being kind of scary angry which was freaking me out, but I reached out to his good friend and he reassured me the guy is all talk and shouldn't worry about him taking action. I 90% believe him. Bleh. I told Scottish dude that I refuse to engage in such immature, frightening, bullying behavior and he needs to stop if he ever wants me to talk to him again, and then I blocked him on my phone. Unfortunately, he lives a 3-minute walk away so I'm bound to run into him at some point. Jesus my marriage ended better than this breakup.
So now I'm not dating anyone regularly, nor do I want to after that last fiasco. I'm fine keeping everything casual and not seeking anything out at the moment (ever?). I've got other things I need to focus on.
So what's next?
Wellers, I'll have to get a job because the money won't last forever. Maybe by the end of next month I'll have something lined up. But what that is, I have no idea. I need to figure that out. I do know it would be great to do something meaningful, with a company I believe in, and of course a solid paycheck would be greatly appreciated.
I need to nail down a therapist for Yoshi. She didn't want to continue with her former counselor, and ideally it would be great to find one that is covered by insurance, so the search continues. Yoshi has agreed to participate in the practices and exercises in one of the anxiety books I'm reading, along with starting up with meditation. I think both of these things will help me too.
I'm itching to clean up my apartment. More decluttering and such. I'm having a hard time making everything fit, which is a sign I have to much stuff. The lifelong, first-world-problem battle.
My birthday is next month. I want to plan something while I still have the time off. Maybe a quick and cheap trip somewhere? I'm open to suggestions.
That pretty much sums up my 2019.
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