From vacation days to sick days

Perhaps it wasn't the best idea to take a little vacation during the most demanding times of the year at work. Prepping for holiday when you're in retail is stressful. The company enforced a dead period where vacation requests for anytime before Thanksgiving during November would be denied. Luckily(?) for me, I got my time off approved back in July because I had that much foresight. And also, because my then-boss was leaving and he told me to put any all PTO requests and he'd approve them all. I should have taken a month off.

But yeah, telling my team to come in early and/or stay late to do all the work while I go on vacation that no one else is allowed to take was pretty dickish of me. But hey, perks of being the boss, right?! Something like that. But my team also knows I'm in the office 10-12 hours on the reg, so maybe this is justified. And I only checked my work email once while I was away. And I never bring my computer on vacation.

So I went to cold and wet Portland to visit said old boss, and it was great to see Pattycakes, even if the trip was super short (24 hours). It was pure gluttony at dinner. Yes to the charcuterie board! Yes to the biscuit and pickle board! Pork chops! Fried chicken! Mashed potatoes! All the wine! And over homemade cookies, he played therapist-friend as he probed about my love life. Trust me, it ain't pretty.

Next day, I leave PDX to spend a few days with my mistress city, New York.

Maybe I should have planned things out a little more. I hardly told anyone I was coming out to visit, and so I didn't see as many people as I would have liked. But it was still a good getaway, and I had fun with the friends I did manage to see.

But when I returned from my little vacation, I immediately had to jump into the stress of work. And it wasn't pretty. We're outputting 15% more than we did last year, but with 20% fewer people due to the shitty layoffs a few months back. My team is burnt out and I'm having difficulty keeping motivation and morale up.

And just this past Friday, my right-hand woman put in her notice to work for a company that will present better opportunities for her. Noooooo! What will I do without her? More work, obviously. There are no plans to backfill her position immediately, so I'll have to figure out how to divvy out her responsibilities among the department. Though if any of you know a creative producer who's looking for a job, hit me up.

The plus side of this is that my boss (the president) says I'm doing a good job. "You're thoughtful, a wonderful addition to the management team, and your levity is greatly appreciated. You have a quiet confidence, and I'm impressed with your calmness when we find ourselves in potentially chaotic situations." Being raised in an Asian family, receiving positive reinforcement may always feel foreign (and perhaps slightly suspicious) to me, but I will welcome it with open arms.

"You handle these big challenges well," he says, notably referring to this new role running this department, performing layoffs and dealing with aftermath within the company, my producer's resignation.

"Thanks, but honestly I wish there were fewer of these challenges. It's been nonstop since I started." I laugh. But I'm serious. Will it ever calm down? Or is this how upper management always is?

And so, this weekend I'm sick. I started feeling under the weather Thanksgiving week, and I managed to keep it at bay until Friday night. I'm on day five of this stupid, painful sore throat (I'm 99% sure it's not strep), I'm kinda achy, and a cough developed yesterday. It's not so bad that I'm out of commission, but it's enough that I need to keep things low key.

I did manage to run errands yesterday. Grocery shop. And hit the nearest thrift shop. We have a flannel-day coming up at work, which is the second time within a three-month timespan that I need this type of clothing, which I do not own for some reason. Maybe because plaid shirting is not my thing? But I decided to suck it up and search for some flannels, and yesterday I got two great tops, one retails for a ridiculous $82, the other for $64 (seriously, who pays full price for these things?), but I picked 'em both for a total of $24, which seems to me like still a lot of money for second-hand, but hey, I can tell they're high quality, the fit is flattering, and should last years.

Another perk was that Chris stopped by yesterday. He wanted to hang out, but I told him I was sick, so he offered to bring over chicken soup. Earlier in the day I was craving pho, but did not mention it. And lo and behold! He comes bearing pho takeout. I was almost as happy as when – back in my first trimester of my pregnancy – my neighbors brought over a lasagna for me, which was the first meal I ate after a month of not eating due to complications. Food deliveries from friends when you're sick are wonderful.

I'm hoping today is a little better. We'll see. I'm still in bed, which is a good excuse to blog, but not so encouraging that I'm going to be very active today. At least blogging feels somewhat productive, even if I'm not saying anything substantial. I can't knit a lot these days due to carpal tunnel. Sadness.

Maybe I can go for a walk that's further than just the grocery store.

Breathe, breathe

I'm having trouble relaxing, despite my attempts to calm myself. Please let me vent my stresses:

• Knitting. I know! It should be a relaxing activity, but I haven't actually made any progress, and so these gifts that I want to make are getting more and more delayed. So many baby blankets!
• Being a landlord. One of my tenants gave notice and she's being a real pain in the ass about the entire process – basically breaking lease, not fulfilling her obligation as a result, not following the contract that she signed. Also, she's a lawyer. A terrible one. She isn't playing nicely.
• I'm currently looking for a new tenant. Not fun. Can I say I really dislike being a landlord? We'll be owning this place for a while, so in the meantime, I've got to chug on. #DivorceIsFun
• Job hunt. Ongoing. Little progress.
• Teaching Yoshi about the ills of the world, this week we happen to focus on terrorism. She's been learning about 9/11 in school, and she had all sorts of questions about it, and we watched some old footage together, to which she reacted strongly. And then Paris happened, and she wrote about it for school this weekend, and she's upset that this happens to innocent people. I didn't tell her about the Pope's observation about this being a part of a piecemeal WWIII. Because that is utterly terrifying.
• My dad. He's suffering. We're all suffering. No one is happy. My biggest fear is losing my memory, and he is living it. He also can barely walk. He fell while he was home alone and my mom came home to find him on the bathroom floor. The next day he was in the hospital (he's home now).
• My mom. She's the sole caretaker, which is ultimately too much for her to handle. She resents him, yells at him, and I wonder if she subconsciously wants him to get hurt. Being around the two of them is miserable. They are so unhappy. My mom is already planning vacations for next year that don't involve my dad (and good for her! She needs a break.), but it's sad. It's like we all love him so much, but we can't wait for him to die so that everyone's anguish will end. 
• My friends who try to console me by giving me unsolicited advice and try to invalidate my feelings. Sometimes I just want a hug with no words or judgement. 
• I'm sick. Nothing major, just enough to make me feel lethargic. 
• I haven't made time to get any decent exercise in eons. Ugh, no wonder I feel like shit.

Okay, tonight's venting is done.

Third person blogging

She's struggling. It's been a long week at work. It's Saturday and she and her team (Production), along with some of the Fashion team were in the office from 8am until 7:30pm, trying to stay afloat for the holiday retail season. Tomorrow she'll repeat the day. And then comes Monday.

She's working hard, playing hard. And burning out. She knows she should rest, maybe leisurely read those books she'll probably never actually read. Or knit. She thinks that so long as she keeps rallying, she's distracted from what weighs her down.

Not surprisingly, the moments in bed, before she falls asleep, feel the best and worst: she can finally go to sleep, but not before her stress and frustration form tears in her stomach and seep out her eyes. It's not every night. Nor every morning. But lately, it's often, and the sleep between is not restful.

Yesterday she puts forth a good effort to have a better day. She listens to music to shift her mood, not match it. She curbs temptation to complain and is pretty successful. She socializes after work with her colleagues for a drink. They rarely see her outside the office because of her parental responsibilities, and everyone is happy that the work day is over. She is feeling much better than the previous days. Later that evening, she invites a friend over and they listen to a podcast as they loaf in the living room, and she falls asleep, exhausted.

Tonight, she stays in, still wiped out. She realizes that Thanksgiving is this coming week. She is looking forward to gravy on rice, perhaps her favorite comfort food of all.

Bad Day, Good Day

Yesterday was a bad day. As Tom will attest to, I am not one who handles stress well, and I am a constant worrier. I'd like to think I've made progress over the years, but maybe I just bury it all inside and then let it explode in random fits on some poor soul.

I was stressed because it was the day before the deadline for my photo reshoot, and I didn't get all the shots needed. I stayed up late editing what I did have, but ultimately dissatisfied with myself for not fulfilling the assignment. I didn't want to let the photo company down (again, hence the reshoot), and I was afraid that if I didn't do a good job, they wouldn't ask me back. There was a lot riding on this assignment and I let it get the best of me.

Yesterday Yoshi pushed all my buttons and I unleashed my fury on her--yelling, swearing, throwing. One of my lowest points of parenting. It was unfair to take my stress out on her. Her spirit completely broke.

But today is a new day. I apologized to her yesterday evening, and again this morning, telling her that I should not lose my cool since I'm the parent and she's a kid. But damn, the kid don't make it easy, that's fo' sho. (I kept that part to myself though.)

I went to work, brought along the photo-product and camera with the hopes I could find someone to photograph before I send off all the images. I met Tom and a couple of his work buddies down at Minna and 5th for Off The Grid, Jereme being one of them. I wrangled JMoe into being my model for the last photos I needed, which was pretty easy since he's always a good sport and up for anything.

I sent off the images in the nick of time, left the office to pick Yoshi up from school (albeit slightly late), picked up some bread at the Farmer's market, and then came home to an email from the Photo People saying that they love the new pics. Yay! All that previous stress turned into relief and euphoria. And I know Tom would say, "See... all that stress and worry for nothing."

I can breathe again. Happily.