Lazing about this weekend, spending entire mornings in bed, putzing online, listening to music, drinking coffee. Blogging. Reflecting. Being still. Trying to figure out my shit, this lifelong process.
Chatting again with C-pan earlier this week about what 2014 will bring, what are our intentions for this upcoming year.
Thinking about an entire year, what I want, feels completely overwhelming. I don't have a difficult life by any means, but sometimes I can only take things one day at a time. Though really, I suppose that's all any of us can do since today is all we truly have.
But it's important to take time to reflect. I mean, if I can put at least 40 hours a week into work, I should be able to spend at least one hour a week to find ways to improve myself.
I feel like I've been filling my time with distractions lately, but thinking more about them, perhaps 'distractions' is not the correct word. Perhaps I'm just living life, just not doing the things I thought I would be doing, what I thought I wanted to be doing. Evolving, adapting to change. Yes, these things. Darwin would approve.
I recently made a new friend. A single mom. She's very cool with a strong sense of self, which I greatly admire. I invited her out for drinks Tuesday evening and we went to Southern Pacific Brewery, a place I had never been to before, but was on my radar. Food was yummy. I enjoyed their wine on tap.
We bitched about the joys of dating; who we're "inappropriately texting," as she calls it; how we juggle parenting, friends, work, any semblance of romantic relationships, and getting some alone time.
We also discussed being judged for being "young" single mothers. Like me, she was 25 when she had her first child, which is fairly young compared to most educated, urban professionals who start having kids in their 30s. She confessed feeling snubbed by other older parents at our kids' elementary school, feeling like she's not taken seriously because of her status of being a less-than 40-year-old with three kids, single. No one cares or assumes that she was at one point like them, married, planned out having these children, yes, just like them.
In my case, a good chunk of these parents who know me still don't know that I'm single, so I don't necessarily get the pleasure of judgement bestowed upon me. I don't wear a sign or a letter on my chest with my marital status posted. In lieu of judgement, I receive pity when I inform them. The side nod and apology: Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay? It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I don't want their pity. Don't assume I'm home crying over it. I'm not. I've made peace with that long ago. Divorce doesn't necessarily mean bad, but that's the general assumption. Okay, the road to divorce may be bad, but an amicable separation is good, much better than, say, an empty marriage filled with heartache.
Ending something that isn't working = opening doors for something good to happen.
Possibilities. Hope. Happiness.
As I sit here, in bed still, drinking my coffee and eating my whatever's-in-the-fridge egg scramble for brunch, ideas for what I visualize for 2014 are trickling in...
I intend to take better care of myself physically. Eating well, living a healthy lifestyle (uh... with drinking), exercise.
I intend to take better care of myself emotionally. Making time to reflect, be still, perhaps join another therapy group.
I intend to continue to stay connected to my feelings and not be afraid to express them. This one is very hard for me, but perhaps the key to my happiness.
I intend to express gratitude. So often I take people for granted. Life is precious. I'm learning to appreciate my friends, family, even strangers I meet for what they add to my life, or to life in general.
With gratitude, also comes acceptance. I'm making progress with accepting people for who they are. I cannot change them.
I intend to be open to new opportunities and experiences. This one has been a side-effect of all the transitions I experienced this year. I want this to continue. It's proven to be fascinating.
Change had always given me anxiety, as I am a creature of habit. The unknown terrified me, because, as a pessimist, I always assumed the worst would happen. But somewhere along the way my thought patterns changed. I became optimistic. And somewhere along the way change became something I could enjoy, embrace even.
Oh, for sure change can still be scary as hell. But sometimes just as wildly thrilling.
And that's the nature of life, isn't it? Constant change.
And so, I'll close with this.
“I'm not sentimental – I'm as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last – the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won't.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise
