The ebb and flow

Ah, reader-friends, perhaps I was overly optimistic to have an entire birthday month to celebrate myself. But, like life, the month has been a balance of highs and lows, and I'm confident that it's been a positive net gain, so that's something to be noted, for sure.

Still, this week was draining. Hours of meeting with potential therapists for Yoshi, each session was like therapy for myself, talking about my challenges with parenting, talking about my own childhood, my current state of dating/relationships. Then having to go back to work after the mental-journey of so many memories.

I made the mistake of confiding to some coworkers about Yoshi, to which they gave all sorts of unsolicited advice: enroll her in organized sports (even if she hates it), art classes, rock climbing, archery, give her medication, just leave her alone. They seemed opposed to therapy for some reason, even though they all admitted to middle school years as being absolutely dismal and having no one "understand" them and would have benefitted from learning how to cope with the deluge of emotions that weighed them down. Further, they all say that they would love to be in therapy now.

Note to self: shut up about parenting and relationships when surrounded by a bunch of 20-something-year-olds, never-married, non-parents.

I understand that they're trying to be helpful, but the effect was upsetting to me and I was frustrated with them and felt like a shittier parent than I already felt (and, I know that's my issue, but still!). Like knowing how to take a compliment, they haven't yet learned how to respond to a friend's woes by saying without added advice, "I'm sorry you're going through this," which was really all I needed to hear (though later on, a different coworker friend wonderfully said exactly that, which was the validation I sought).

Wednesday evening I got a notification from Twitter from someone I no longer talk to. It was distressing and I thought surely it was a fluke, but I didn't pursue it. I can't.

I then spent Thursday morning at the courthouse, going over the paperwork to finally start the ball rolling for the divorce. It's been two years since we separated, and passively assuming Tom would take the lead (like he did with the separation itself) was going nowhere. So once I filed that morning, I served him the papers in the evening. Or rather, had his roommate serve the papers since I'm legally not allowed to do so myself.

I met GG for drinks afterwards at Lucky 13, our local dive bar. He and I talked about dating, relationships, and connections: the patterns we fall into; knowing what we want versus actually attaining it; how much to give ourselves to others; and learning, always learning; and then mayyybe still making the same mistakes. Two Hendricks gin and tonics got me plenty buzzed. My tolerance is terrible still.

Yesterday morning starts off with a mild hangover at 5:30am. I somehow rouse myself out of bed, down some Emergen-C and ibuprofen, make coffee and eat leftover ravioli (a strange combination) for breakfast. I read. I watch the sun rise. I listen to Ella Fitzgerald. I feel better.

And then back to Civic Center to file another form. The morning light on City Hall is lovely. I slowly cruise on my Baby Blue, riding through the square, watching people concentrate on their Tai Chi forms, listening the wailings of the drugged out homeless, and everyone in between.

Then on to work.

I was supposed to meet a friend for a drink in the evening, but that fell through. I ended up grabbing dinner with Yoshi and Tom at Pauline's Pizza. Why? I should have stayed in, but wanted to spend time with Yoshi since I won't see her again until Monday evening. I asked Tom if he looked over the papers at all. Nope. Sigh. Still, dinner was pleasant enough, but I was mentally in another world. Spending any time with Tom always reinforces my relief that we are no longer a couple. And if I were to meet him today, he wouldn't be someone I'd want to date. We're too different now.

So this was a TCB week. Being proactive for The Kid, being proactive for myself. It was necessary and I have no doubt this is all for the best, but it extracted so much energy out of me.

I escaped when I could through my Murakami novel this week. It didn't have that surreal mysticism that his other recent novels have, and I wondered throughout the entire story if it was ever going to venture there, but it never did. And I think that prevented me from loving it. But it was still enjoyable. I liked the Odyssean arc of the character, the theme of the train station as a non-place that oddly brings him comfort, and of course, past events which prevents him living in the present nor wanting a future – true for the human condition.

But I finished the book last night. And soon after, I went to bed. Very early for a Friday night. And I finally was able to process things, everything maybe. I cried a lot. I woke up at 3am – processed more. Fell back asleep eventually. And then more processing this morning.

And now, writing, blogging. I need to transcribe my thoughts and let them go, or at least try to.

Transitions are hard. Like a molting bird with exposed pin feathers, it hurts to be handled the wrong way. Something might push on me and it's momentarily overwhelming. But the fragility is a necessity by-product for growth. I have to remember that sometimes being vulnerable is the backbone of strength.

It's probably a bad idea...

... to paint your nails then decide to type a blogpost before the paint is dry. We'll see what shape my nails and keyboard are in at the end.

I've been itching to write more, and I have been on one of my other blogs, but focusing so much there makes me feel unbalanced in the rest of my life. It's hard to strike that balance, or balances in general. I was chatting with my friend Coco today and she was saying that she feels like there is never a time when everything is going well in her life, like either things are good in her career, but not so much in her love life, or maybe vice versa. Perhaps we are all searching for harmony.

I would love for my life to feel balanced. I was thinking back to where I was a year ago, and how I was in deep hibernation mode, watching a lot of movies at home, doing lots of reflecting, therapy, introspective searching, trying to figure out my life. My marriage had ended, and I had to face a new life with lots of changes both figuratively and literally. I had to move. I became a single mother. I needed a stable job. I had to redefine myself, or perhaps better put is that I had to surrender to the idea that I can't be so easily labeled, or that these labels are fluid, constantly changing, like the sea.

My friend C-pan told me a while back that 2013 is a year of transitions for me. And it's true. So many things have changed. And they're still changing. And it's scary, thrilling, overwhelming, and refreshing. All those things. These past couple years have pushed me out of my comfort zone... which hopefully means I'm growing stronger since it hasn't killed me yet.

And so, in this year of transitions, I found a new place to live, secured a job, hooked up with some guys (eep!), even dated a pretty spectacular one for a good chunk of the year. And when that relationship ended and I experienced heartbreak (again, still), I decided to jump back into the crazy world of dating.

Most importantly, I found the strength to be independent, know that I'm loved by my family and many friends, and have a deep sense of happiness and growing appreciation for my incredibly privileged, fortunate life.

I'd like to think that things will be more stable in 2014, but really, who can predict that?

My dad, you may recall, was hospitalized at the beginning of this year for a stroke. He ended this year back in the hospital for about a week, this time for another bout of pneumonia, which he's had a couple times in the past. It's always scary anytime he's hospitalized because I get the terrible thought of him never leaving there alive.

I go through a slew of thoughts and emotions. I feel guilty foreseeing what Yoshi will have to go through with me later in life, unless the unbearable/unspeakable event happens where she would not even be around for my death. I feel frustrated with my mom who acts so nonchalant or exasperated when it comes to my dad and his health (or anything of consequence really). I know this is how she copes (by not coping), but I feel like she doesn't care. I'm sad just knowing that my dad will never be healthy, that each year is so much worse than the previous year. It's devastating to ask him how he's doing because he answers with the blunt truth, "Oh, not so good."

He seems to have very little drive to live, which is ultimately the most disheartening to see.

I'm not sure how well he'll fare in this coming year, but I have my fingers crossed he lives as good a life as he can.

Sigh. I didn't mean for this post to be such a downer. I think I'm just overwhelmed with life in general. I just realized that Christmas is only a couple weeks away. I thought I had longer. I still have Halloween candy! I created an xmas playlist on Spotify tonight, so at least I can start to get into the mood. Still need to get a little tree. And a gift for Yoshi.

I'll try to make the next post more upbeat! Because complaining all the time is boring.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. I just needed to write to get out all that stuff in my head. Sorry for the jumblyness of it all. Again, conclusions, not my strong suit.

But both my freshly painted nails and keyboard survived!

Status change

I figure now is as good a time as any to inform you all of what's going on. Some of you already know.

Mr. Snoopy and I separated in the fall of last year.

I just moved into a new place.

I started dating someone that I'm quite fond of. I'm in too deep with him. But I'm enjoying it for what it is.

So, a lot of change. Even things with my work are in a state of transition as we get ready to move to a new space.

My birthday is in 10 days. It's gonna prove to be an interesting year.