It. Me.

Happy New Year!

Here's to more self-discovery and the pursuit of being true to one's self. Because, like they tell you during airline safety, you gotta put on your own oxygen mask before you help anyone else with theirs.

Remember* not too long ago I mentioned that I realized I'm an HSP (highly sensitive person)? Researching a little further into it, I think I've determined I'm an HSE. "E" meaning Extrovert. An extrovert?! Me? Yes. Weird.

I've always considered myself introverted because I love solitude, yet also struggled with that notion because I also knew that I enjoyed spending time with and feeing energized by people. Select people.

I cherish my time alone.

And yet.

I need social interaction.

I'm best one-on-one or in a small group, though I sometimes like a large crowd (particularly when mobilized, like in a march). But I can get tired quickly and suddenly. At parties I may French Exit the scene once I hit my limit. Or, if I have the energy to be more considerate, I'll do a general room Bye! with a waving of both hands.

While me-time is imperative to self-restoration, too much time in isolation puts me into a depression, where apathy and lack of motivation creeps in, making that inertia a tough thing to break. One of the reasons I live in San Francisco is that all I have to do is walk outside and I can re-energize through a quick social fix. It isn't difficult to interact – it practically happens whether you want it to or not. Then I can retreat again at will.

And this is where I realize that I am an extrovert. I need to be with people. In doses.

The challenge these days is to make sure I strike the right balance between solitude and socializing. It's a conscientious effort because I don't have the luxury of going into an office every weekday and talk to others. I may have become one of these annoying people who may talk to you on the bus. Or at the grocery checkout. Ugh, who am I? I need a job.

* It's okay if you don't remember. Sometimes my memory is atrocious. Do I even remember what I wore yesterday? NOPE.

Me, myself, and I

As children, we are taught to not be selfish, to think of others, to develop empathy. My parents rarely indulged my feelings when I expressed them, which led to all sorts of problems down the road in my adult life. So, somewhere along the way, growing up, I forgot how to take care of myself because I cared too much about pleasing others. Even when I was pregnant, my priority was on the growing life in me, to take care of myself for the sake of the baby. And when Yoshi was born, I self-imposed this weird mother-martyr philosophy, like I had to give myself up completely and pretend it wasn't a big deal. I nursed her for 16 months, something I never enjoyed, but felt obligated to do so because I physically could.

I lost my sense of self. I was depressed. Unfulfilled.

Tom was actually really great and nudged me to start doing things for myself, about 9 years ago. It has been a really slow process, especially at the beginning, but as I get older, I'm finding it easier to self-advocate, to know it's okay to sometimes be selfish. Because if you don't love yourself, who will?

And now, I'm much better at doing things for myself, for my happiness and own well-being. And, perhaps, these days I'm a little too self-indulgent. But, perhaps, I need this.

So I booked my flight to go to New York next month, this trip that I mentioned a couple weeks ago. This will be my first vacation by myself. Ever. And, my dear readers, I cannot tell you how excited I am for this. Ten days. No responsibilities. The only thing required is that I have a good time, which I fully expect to. This may very well be my biggest self-indulgence ever. Ahhhhh...

Some other Me-things in my future, in no particular order: haircut, another tattoo, perhaps buy a custom made sofa, concerts, eating ice cream for dinner, more dancing, more knitting, buy myself flowers again (I used to do this fairly frequently, but I haven't done it since I moved).

And for tonight, wine. (Okay, this is just about every night.)

Whine whine

Stop complaining already! Okay, I am the first to admit that I'm guilty of complaining. In fact, in my teen years I was the queen of sarcasm and negativity, just like all other awkward teens. And by default, I lean more towards the pessimistic side of the scale. However, one of my life goals is to be more of an optimist with a positive outlook on life. I'm gradually getting better at this, but it's a slow process. And some days are better than others. And sometimes I do like a good bitch-fest with lots of venting. It helps to get it out so I can move on.

Steve Pavlina has a great self-improvement site, called Personal Development For Smart People. There are lots of great tips on how to better oneself through various ways. Last week Steve posted an entry on his blog about complaining, why people do it, what it means, and ways to stop detrimental negative thinking.

Excerpts from his site:

"The trap of negative thinking

This is a tough situation to escape because it’s self-perpetuating, as anyone stuck in negative thinking knows all too well. Your negative experiences feed your negative expectations, which then attract new negative experiences.

In truth most people who enter this pattern never escape it in their entire lives. It’s just that difficult to escape. Even as they rail against their own negativity, they unknowingly perpetuate it by continuing to identify with it. If you beat yourself up for being too negative, you’re simply reinforcing the pattern, not breaking out of it.

You see… the real solution to complaining is responsibility. You must say to the universe (and mean it), “I want to accept more responsibility for everything in my experience.”

Here are some examples of what I mean by accepting responsibility:

* If I’m unhappy, it’s because I’m creating it.
* If there’s a problem in the world that bothers me, I’m responsible for fixing it.
* If someone is in need, I’m responsible for helping them.
* If I want something, it’s up to me to achieve it.
* If I want certain people in my life, I must attract and invite them to be with me.
* If I don’t like my present circumstances, I must end them.

On the flip side, it may also help to take responsibility for all the good in your life. The good stuff didn’t just happen to you. You created it. Well done.


Complaining is the denial of responsibility. And blame is just another way of excusing yourself from being responsible. But this denial still wields its own creative power."

I have found that as I improve my ways of thinking positively, I also get annoyed with hanging out with people who are very negative. I have a couple friends who complain frequently and it's always draining for me to spend time with them because almost every subject they talk about is something that is wrong with them, others, everything. Ugh. I understand having a bad day or week, but every single day shouldn't be like this, how their life is so terrible yet they do nothing about it. I don't want to hear their complaints unless I know they're trying to fix the things that are wrong. I'm bored with the victim role. Play the hero!

Since becoming a parent, I reflect more about the ways my parents raised me, how they showed me their values, and how they continue to live their lives today. For the most part, I love the person I am. It's weird how I am not too similar to my parents, but that could be still some kind of backlash of rebellious teenage years. My parents were never ones to praise me, and as a result I think that's why I have negative thought tendencies, like I'll never be good enough, people won't like me, my business will fail, etc. I'm always looking for recognition from others but have a great fear that I'll just suck. It's ridiculous to think this, I know, but still, this is perhaps one of my greatest faults that I'm trying to correct.

And as many of us said that we will never become our parents, I hear myself saying the same things to Yoshimi as my parents said to me. I try to stop in my tracks and question why I say them. Is it because it's just default parenting words? Or is it because it's true? How will my words affect my child as she gets older? Am I going to give her a complex where she doubts and second-guesses herself all the time, or will she become an empowered adult that exudes confidence and grace in her actions?

I find that it's extremely important to give a child options, like s/he always has a choice. Sure, the choices can be sucky at times, but it's the lesser of two evils at that point. Like, "We have green beans or broccoli. Which one do you want?" or "Do you want me to put on the shoes or do you want to put them on yourself?" Either way, her shoes will be on her feet, but at least she has some sort of power of how she decides the shoes will get put on.

What I'm trying very hard to do is to avoid using negative words like "no" and "don't" and instead use positive words like "yes" and "can" and "will." Instead of telling her what she can't do ("Don't jump off the table!"), I tell her things that she can do, ("Keep your feet on the ground please. Or if you want to jump, there is a jumprope you can play with. How many times can you jump rope? Let's count!") Otherwise I just end up saying, "Don't do this, don't do that" and she'll feel like she can never do anything, which will later harm her and give her self-doubt. Still, sometimes I just yell at her and I contemplate using her jump rope to hang myself with.