An update

Two posts in a month? Crazy!

This update will be better than the previous post. Bear with me.

Yoshi seems to be on the mend. Nicky, you were right that indeed it was the effects of withdrawal that made her so erratic. It was very bad. But now she's back on track, trying out a new medication that hopefully will be a better match. She's committed to trying, and that's the best I can hope for in this current situation.

In one of her fits of rage last week she slammed her phone on the sidewalk. She instantly regretted it, but needless to say it broke. Her dad refuses to pay for a new phone and wants Yoshi to use her money to cover the cost 100%. Here I diverge. I'm willing to chip in because I don't think it was completely her fault for her behavior. She stopped her meds, yes. But remember she's still a child and she had no idea the dangers of withdrawal. Her dad of all people should know what it's like to be out of control and do things you aren't fully aware of.

It's been over a week without a phone (and her computer died too), and she is still functioning. I think it's hard though, not being able to communicate with her friends after school.

"You know, your mom and I survived without cell phones. You can too," her dad says.

Oof. This is not something a teen will hear. I knew the moment he said it Yoshi would have a response.

"Yeah, but cell phones existed my whole life. I don't know how to function without it."

It's also difficult to communicate with her when she's not home. I have no way to contact her. And unlike my place, there is no landline at her dad's. I have resorted to texting her friends when I need to get in touch with her.

So yes, yes, it's possible. But it's really inconvenient, especially when school assignments are on apps. I'm all for her getting a new phone soon. Hopefully she realizes she doesn't need the snazziest iPhone. Like, maybe she can bring flip phones back into fashion. Judging by how Yoshi dresses, it's all about the 90s. This can complete the look!

She's staying at my place more because I apparently don't annoy her as much as her dad. He seems to trigger her, which makes him sad and frustrated. And I completely understand that since I went through that myself when he was in the throes of PTSD during our marriage. So I agree it's best to keep some distance, and I'm thankful that Yoshi has a choice of two households. Rarely does she hate us both equally. Co-parenting these days appears to be a switching of roles playing Good Cop and Bad Cop. Right now I'm playing Good Cop.

~~~

Some good things:

She's been more cuddly with me, crawling into bed with me in the mornings or snuggling on the little sofa as we enjoy Queer Eye Japan or GBBO (Bake Off? Baking Show?), which I really love and cherish. I'm glad a 16-year-old can still be affectionate to her parent.

I'm also trying to take advantage of Yoshi's calmer moments to gently talk about the important things: mental/physical health, motivation for school/life, being kind to her dad and knowing he has her best interest at heart. All in small chunks because these are hard things to digest. She has been open to my words, or at least not outwardly scoffing at them to my face.

Her school staff has been amazing with support. They go above and beyond to help Yoshi, and I really can't thank them enough. The 504 plan is just about ready to go, which should help with her suspected dysgraphia and overall anxiety with school.

Her Humanities teacher called me up yesterday with an update on Yoshi's current successes (and challenges, but let's not elaborate on that right now). We all know The Kid is insightfully bright and everyone is delighted when she shares that awesomeness in school. Last week in one of her clearer, articulate moments, she read a piece of her civil rights prose assignment with the class. "It was mind-blowing," her teacher told me. "The class erupted in ovation." I didn't get to see the writing, but from the bits and pieces I've read in the past, she is a powerful writer, which is not lost on me because I know writing is a true struggle for her.

~~~

I'm guilty of having preconceived notions and expectations of what parenting and my child would be like, despite also knowing that each person is different and I told myself I wouldn't be one of "those kinds" of parents. Yoshi has always been an HSP, and this is something that I'm only just realizing, along with the full effect of what that entails. I'm late to the game, and I feel foolish and irresponsible for not seeing it sooner.

[And I also realize that I'm one of these highly sensitive people too. It's been eye-opening. As I look back on my life, especially my childhood, the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place. I am the way that I am mainly due to this personality trait but was raised to follow Japanese stoicism and conformity. And I've been trying to find the balance of putting myself out in a highly stimulating and demanding world and taking the time for re-energizing solitude. 

Further, I suspect my former team I led at work also has this trait. It would explain the symbiosis that gelled us together, as well as explained why the rest of the company couldn't be like us nor totally valued us. It's really not a trait celebrated in the business world, or at least among my former company's leadership team (I was often at odds with them in meetings). Perhaps I will elaborate on this in future post, because this struck a chord with me industry/career-wise.]

I subconsciously expected Yoshi to be an honor-roll child. To be in the "gifted and talented" program. To be involved in extra-curricular activities. To be a happy, well-adjusted child. It wasn't until she challenged all these things as she grew older that I had to confront and grieve my imposed dreams and realize that she is more complex in ways I couldn't imagine. And, n'duh, of course she's complex! We all are. But I think I just wanted things life to be good and easy enough for her, at least during her childhood. I was naive to think that would be a given.

If she can somehow realize and harness her strengths and understand her weaknesses, I know she will figure out a purpose and motivation for her life. I'm trying to help her see what so many of us can already see in her.

One day at a time for all of us. Today I'm hopeful.