Broken

Friends, I'm having problems.

Maybe it's time to get a job. I need a distraction.

Yoshi is not well. She's having breakdowns. Throwing herself down on the sidewalk and throwing things. Yelling at strangers in the street. It's so out of character and I'm scared. It could be because she's on Zoloft for her anxiety and depression, or it could be because she stopped taking the Rx cold turkey (dangerous) without telling me and is spiraling out of control. Either way it's not good. She is completely erratic with unpredictable moods that pivot on a dime.

We're contemplating pulling her out of school because she is failing all her classes. But then what?

She has a counselor and a psychiatrist and her school staff is committed to supporting here, but there is only so much that we can all do. If she doesn't want to change and make an effort, nothing will get better.

She has zero motivation to do anything. She has never enjoyed sports or wanted to do any extra-curricular activities. She hates trying. She is risk-adverse and doesn't want to explore things.

We're trying to get her to eat better, to get some exercise. To go to school. It's difficult. I no longer can trust her and that breaks my heart. I try to be patient and calm with her but sometimes I lose control and yell and swear at her when she's yelling at me. And I feel bad because I cannot be the good parent that she needs.

I feel quite broken myself. I have daily breakdowns because of her breakdowns. I feel like I've failed as a parent. I know I'm doing the best I can, but it's not enough. I think that by the time she's 25 she'll be okay, but I have to make sure she actually makes it to 25. She is in a fragile state.

I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm completely at a loss. I'm incredibly angry (at who? myself? her? her dad? everyone.) and frustrated and sad. I have resorted to punching a pillow against my brick wall. And then screaming into the pillow. These are good times, my friends, good times.