Reflection

Yesterday would have been my dad's 75th bday. Veterans Day. My Mom, Auntie Barbara, Yoshi and I went to Alta Mesa Memorial Park to mark the occasion. I wore his old army jacket. I miss my dad. Yoshi misses him too.

Last night, we ate a favorite of my dad's for dessert, ice cream sandwiches. Yoshi went back into the freezer and grabbed another one out of the box.

"Are you having two?" I asked.

Big grin. "Yup! Because Jichan loved them. And he would always give me at least two ice cream bars, remember? So, like, I have to have at least two. It's what Jichan would want."

"Oh, is that so?" I laughed.

"Yeah!"

"Okay, for Jichan!"

"For Jichan!"

~~~

Even though the day was focused around my dad, I ended up thinking more about my mom. For one, she's still alive. I should take advantage of that. We spent some time together yesterday, but I can't say we talked about anything meaningful.

I've also been trying to understand her better because I'd like to reduce my frustration with her. We have clashing personalities, but we hide it well (it's the Japanese way!). Realize that before she was the age I am now, my mom had already lost both her parents, and so she may never had the opportunity to have positive parental guidance. Her mom died while she was a teen, which must have been devastating. Did she ever process it? And then what were her feelings when she lost her dad? We may never know.

~~

It took me longer than it should have taken to realize that my parents were fallible. I mean, I knew it, they couldn't be perfect. But still, as a kid, when I asked them questions or tried to talk to them and was rebuffed by them, I thought it was a rejection of me. But eventually came to understand it's because they didn't know how to answer my questions or know how to talk about the things I wanted to talk about. It was their own insufficiencies, but I internalized them and thought I was at fault. Even knowing this now at an intellectual level doesn't automatically erase the default feeling that there is something wrong with me. I have to remind myself that I'm competent and a capable person.

And of course this is a common way kids think, yes? That they think somehow whatever their parents' shortcomings are, it's because of them, because children are still learning that the world does not revolve around them nor is a direct response to their actions and that there is much more at play beyond them. It's difficult to think outside of one's self at that age. But of course those experiences greatly shape the person who they become. 

And being a selfish child, I held very little empathy for my parents. Maybe because it was so difficult to really know them, it was almost impossible to imagine that they felt anything.

My dad could express himself. He didn't do it very often, and I cherish the memories of our conversations. He was also the more actively playful one of my parents when I was a kid, dancing tango with me down the hall, holding my hand as I would walk across the 1.25" wide, wobbly iron railing (totally not safe, I don't know why he let me do this), going on bike rides.

When it comes to my mom, I'm learning to read in between the lines. For whatever reason, she cannot express verbally how she feels about anything. But she does repost sentimental facebook messages. Or spend a lot of time picking out a Hallmark card for birthdays. Maybe like me, she is better using written words to express her feelings. It can still be difficult.

Not too long ago, Auntie Barbara commented to me, "Your mom is really smart."

I was dumbfounded. I'm ashamed to say that I never really thought of my mom as smart. Practical, yes. Stoic, she's the goddamn poster child. But smart? Mom? Interesting concept. She doesn't seem to understand my sometimes dark sense of humor. She takes sarcasm literally. Okay, so maybe I unfairly equate wit to intelligence. I suppose smarts is dependent on one's definition. This is a new challenge for me. We have some upcoming time together during the Thanksgiving break so I will use this opportunity to explore ideas of smartness, ideas of parenting and family, and hopefully learn to appreciate my mom a bit more.